My Friend’s Son Had Written An Essay, Please Help Rate?
Posted by IT CommentatorOct 4
On those halcyon afternoons, to the world a little boy smiled, for he knew, on the TV, superman would triumph the evil one more time; for he knew, next time he would get an excellent score if he studied diligently; for he knew, he could grow as high as Michael Jordan if he kept playing basketball; for he knew, impossible was nothing as the advertisement indicated. He knew them for sure.
For him, success only desired those like Beethoven, who, with dedication and resolution, aimed at what they expected, worked zealously without exhaust, and grasped the spirit of perseverance. For him, the bliss of success was already there; the only problem was: he need experience the whole, including those strenuous, parts of it.
Then the boy gradually turned out who I am now.
A few months ago, I vigorously looked for an internship on weekends in a bank. Having called a bank’s officer, hopefully expressed my reasons and advantages, and not received an absolutely disappointing answer, I went to that bank on Saturday only to be informed those managers weren’t at office. Next Monday, I carefully dressed myself and ambitiously yet somehow fearfully went to that bank again. Pressing the 30 bottom in the elevator, I was so nervous that I must forcibly compel myself to smile. At reception desk, I passionately demonstrate my inclinations, as if she would help me call someone in charge other than smile hypocritically. Immediately after I left that bank, I called that officer again and under my ardent request, he agreed to interview me 3 days later. Brainstorming my mind, asking all my friends for advice, researching all the sources, I formulated a plan that, if achieved successfully, could increase deposits in this bank by, at least, 300,000$. On that morning, somber as the sky was, I faithfully, for the third time, went to that bank. After optimistically waiting for 10 minutes, a general manager came to that cozy meeting room. However, without sitting down, he began the conversation directly with “let me talk to you briefly”. The regulations, my age, my education level, my…numerous reasons to reject me. As for my plan, he said it’s not his responsibility to make specific market strategies.
Hardly could I explain anything before he finally politely said good luck next time to me.
Apart from melancholy mood, I thought critically whether my endeavors and determinations desired no more than such 10 minutes, whether there were far more things beyond human’s power of persistence and fortitude, whether I should change my philosophy.
Now, albeit the difficulties, whether naturally or socially, physiologically or mentally, while permitting me to understand the world more maturely, make me cast doubts on my belief, the impetus ignited by my childish creed has not yet faded from my mind. After all, I have strived for my best, enhanced my ability and experienced the thrill on the journey, whether splendid success or unfortunately lose, let god dispose, whatever, I have no regret to myself.
I was unclear what connection you hoped to draw between the childhood creed and the experience in the bank. It seemed to me that you were intending to demonstrate personal growth from this anecdote, but I came away with the sensation that you chose to keep the “childish creed” despite evidence that it hadn’t worked. Can you be more explicit about how your perspective matured? What you learned from being rejected that will allow you to keep your optimism and yet help you succeed next time?
As I read, I also noticed a number of stylistic points which made it difficult for me to follow your ideas. For instance, I found “I vigorously looked for an internship on weekends in a bank” unclear (did you look for internships on the weekends? did you look for a weekend internship?). Likewise, there are some cases of incorrectly applied phrases, like “Brainstorming my mind” (you can’t brainstorm something; you just brainstorm). I also noticed a few dangling participles… these can be hard to explain. When you say “After optimistically waiting for 10 minutes, a general manager came to that cozy meeting room,” the sentence is structured so that you’re saying the general manager waited optimistically before entering the room. This is because there is no subject in the first clause, so the verb acts with the subject in the second clause. An easy way to fix this kind of error is to say something like “After I had waited optimistically for 10 minutes, a general manager…” and so on.
Something I generally suggest to students of mine is reading an essay out loud. When we write, we sometimes get caught up in the slightly unnatural act of writing, which can make things come out funny. Reading out loud allows you to hear when sentences are structured in a way you just wouldn’t use in conversation.
You definitely have the makings of a good essay here — I believe I can see what you’re going for in connecting the two segments of the essay, but I think you could make it clearer for the reader. Hopefully my comments have been helpful.